Contention

It's just something that I really really don't need in my life.  It literally makes me sick to my stomach... like want to vomit all over myself-sick.  

I think I used to love a good fight... especially if I thought I was right.  What in the world was I thinking?  I think it's something that my children and husband and family have really helped me outgrow.  Now, even if I think I am right, I hate hate hate altercations.  Seriously I feel so so sick to my stomach just thinking about it....   ug...   barf.

There is so much in this life that is just beautiful and wonderful and full of life, and light and the light of Christ.  And with contention, it can darken all that God has to offer you.  Just suck the life right out of the day.  

And I hate it.

I hate contention!

And rightfully so, since contention is of the devil.

So if there is any possible way to move forward without it, that's what I'm trying to do.  I think I've gotten pretty good at moving on past my troubles.  I used to not only love a good fight, or love to raise a stink over injustices, but I also could hold a pretty good grudge.  That behavior, too, is fading.  I try and express myself in one way or another - getting it out of my system, and then I gradually forget the thing that happened.

I believe that everyone makes mistakes.  I make them daily!  I believe people are not defined by their mistakes (usually :).  I think we are here on this earth to have the opportunity to make choices, part of that is making mistakes.  We then can learn from the consequences of our actions, and then move on to be wiser people.  Who am I to judge others by their mistakes?  Who would I be today if every mistake I ever made someone held over my head, or added it to their "label" of who I am today?  I would be a miserable, miserable woman, incapable of progression or happiness.  So we have to let go.  We have to decide to apologize, forgive, or forget.  We have to allow ourselves and others the room we all need to figure out who we are and who we are on the path to becoming.  So I'm letting go.  The recent contentions in my life have depressed me to the point where since getting back to Hawaii a week ago, I have just cowarded in my apartment,  barely able to do the most basic of required daily functions...  and I'm tired.  I'm emotionally tired.  And my children and husband deserve better.  On Saturday it was my 7-year anniversary...  and all I wanted to do was go to bed.  I was literally begging for bedtime....  anyway...   I need to do my part to overcome this, and then I have to let go, repent, and start anew.  So that's what I'm going to try and do. 

Wish me luck ;)



edited later (Thursday night adding)...

I also am coming off of post-AZ-visiting-family blues... I always get the blues after family leaves or we leave family
I also have gained a good chunk of weight instead of loosing it.
I only wear black work-out stretch bottoms.... yuck
I am tired of fighting with a stubborn, stubborn, sick 2 year old...  I spend 2 hours trying to get Kai to take his 1-2 hour nap and as soon as he falls asleep the baby usually wakes up
I don't know what to do with 4 kids...  I'm outnumbered and most activities are just frustrating
Did I mention I'm tired and unhealthy right now...

I just feel yuck...   and I've had extra stuff on my mind...   and I don't feel like doing much of anything... least of all trying to find something to wear to go out of my apartment.. so I've basically stayed in my apartment...

anyway...  I'm totally fine-  I hope my post above didn't worry anyone...  I was just thinking about when stuff happens...  people fight or disagree or make mistakes.  I really don't want to loose friends.  Life is too short and friends are too sweet to just let go of.  So I wrote a bunch of random stuff...  and I felt better.. a little bit.  But I am also still sad at potentially loosing a friend over an incidence... and incidence I don't care much about anymore... but a friend I still care deeply for...   but I just don't know what to do, so I'm not doing anything I guess... and it's still sad so I feel like I should be doing something... but still I don't know what so here I sit... writing myself into circles....  waiting....