I am so lonely.
:(
Is it cause i've been feeling like walking death for a week and a half... or my favorite person in the world here is leaving me to fly far far away to another island... or cause I can hear the dozens of people outside that play together, visit each other... have these actual relationships ... friendships... whatever that is... while I sit here alone in my isolated, dirty apartment... longing to be one of them... and I've concluded that I never will be. I doesn't matter if I live in the desert or in paradise... I feel the same... not good enough, judged, unliked, unworthy, left out... doomed to endure this torture for this life... or for forever...?
All that said....
I love my husband. He's funny and creative and hard working.
I love my big girl Jayden. She is so beautiful and strong, and then so sweet and vulnerable at times too... just this beautiful little girl full of energy and love.
I love my Keira.. my Kiki babe. She is so much fun to spend time with. She is smart and funny.. and is a little tease. She has the best laugh.
I love my little Kai... I wish I could duplicate him and have three little baby boys just like him. His smile melts me. His love and cuddles keep my going each day. He's so fun :)
you know... even though i'm surrounded by sunshine and smiles... I must be stuck in the bubble of my troubled mind... and I don't know how to pop it.... I've tried a spiritual route.. I've tried the - just shake it off and go do something for someone else, forget about yourself... I've tried a medical route, which is not helping either... I literally don't know what to do...
Sorry... I know there are random people out there who might read this... or really, i'm not sure if anyone does... I'm just really feeling like crap right now... physically... I'm sick... I have some weird killer sore throat and head cold... I have chest pain and stiffening of my neck and spine... AND - I am really really so sad that wonderful people here come and then they go. They leave. I'm such a softy emotional mess that people leaving here just kills me... like, how many times can I sit and cry about it....? well... I'm sure there are more to come so I won't stop counting just now. - anyway... I'm insecure... It's so secret.. I've been this way since I can remember... kindergarden even... and with being sick and sad its making me feel incredibly lonely... I am so lonely
15 comments:
:( Boo Lisa Lou! I love you and wish I could help?!? Just know that I love you and I have been your friend since Kindergarten- some of my BEST memories are with YOU! The memories that i hope my kids have, those are when I'm at the beach with you, or jumping on your trampoline, or playing on your stairs, or kicking a soccer ball in my backyard, or throwing a tennis ball in your pool. Not to mention the many lifeguard rescues at the beach. (We never needed rescued. They were just bored. :) Yep, all with you. :) I love you and hope you feel better, physically and emotionally. XXOO
I'm sorry that you feel that way. I know you think that people "purposely" leave you out but they probably don't. I know some of the people in my ward do things without me all the time but sometimes I'm invited and sometimes not.
Sometimes I just decide to call one or two of the girls in my ward to do something, but if I always felt I had to call everyone of them I wouldn't hang out with any of them.
I know I have a different personality than you because I could stay in my house with my kids all day every day and be fine but there are others more like you that would like to be out and doing something with someone everyday.
I would just try to find someone to have playdates with, no matter if they don't invite them, invite them.
That's the hard thing if you are going to expect people to do things the way you would do them, it's not going to happen. For example expecting them to invite you all the time.
If you want people to play then call them. Friendship is not one way! You have to do some of the work.
I'm sorry that your down. Know that you are loved. Something that has helped me is to set a goal a day. It keeps me occupied everyday. This talk always motivates me and I have to re-read it about every month but super good.
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=50e651e4b66fb010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=024644f8f206c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
...and I do remember the sadness of friends leaving the island. My best friend I made there left after one summer and when she got on the airplane it was so heartbreaking. I didn't make any more friends my whole first year, I don't think, because I felt like everyone just leaves. what's the point? It was so sad :( Sometimes we choose to be lonely until we are ready to have & be a friend again.
Another note: Some of my best friends are from books. Truly :) It's very sad, but I admit it and matt makes fun of me :) I totally read and re-read the same book series'es when I feel lonely. Alright, more shameful admitting- they are twilight & harry potter series. I love them all dearly :) It's ridiculous. :) And the book The poisenwood bible. I can't get enough of that one, I don't know why.
Anyhow- I hope you enjoy your funk while it lasts, or come out of your funk when you're ready. That's enough from me. :)
I understand...I feel the same way more often than I'd like.
this makes me so sad! i can say that i understand how you feel. i have felt this way MANY times. you are in a place where people get done with school and then leave...that has to be SO HARD! that's how i felt in brea. we all lived in apartments and we all had to find a house at one point or another and we were the last ones. everyone left us and i was friendless for 2 years. it hurt too much to make friends.
i'm SO SORRY! if you move to gilber i will make you my friend and invite you to everything! i know that doesn't help but it's true! i hope you can find peace for your troubled heart sweet girl.
It makes me so sad hearing that you are like this. I wish I lived closer so we could hang out and be good friends like the people outside. Well, we love you here in CA, so don't be too sad!
Sweetie...you're not alone. I'm sure many of us have felt this way before, but keep it to ourself. I know I have. Let's get together! And I mean it! You're always welcome at our home. Give me a call sometime...I'm right across the street :)
there is nothing like a good sad day !! i had one of those today too. don't worry things will get better they always do! school friends are tough ~ someone is always moving on i know how that goes!Its really hard! Girlfriends are good but your family is even better and they aren't going any place! Hope you feel better!! Cheer up :) you are smart and gorgeous you live in hawaii for heaven sake Life is good!! I need to email you i have a ton of questions for u!! Take to you soon!
oh don't be lonely! I'm sorry you are sick when you feel better come over to E building and hang out with us. Or we will come hang out with you.
I think friends always make me feel better when I am feeling like that.
I wish I could make it better. I love you even when it's hard to feel it. (((hugs)))
is there anything i can do for you to make your spirits brighter?? being sick and stuck inside just sucks in general. i hope you get better soon. and to be honest, we all have our days like these. and i have always been insecure, just like you admitted. sometimes you just need to go out, get some fresh air, and some sun, if it comes out. even when you're sick, it can do wonders. and you are a friend of mine! even if we may never see each other very often, i consider you a friend. you are loved. get better soon!!!
xxooxxoo
To anonymous... you obviously haven't the balls to sign your name.. but that's fine... if you noticed... I did mention trying a medical route... thanks
I hope you got my other message. I really wish I could give you a hug and make it all better. If only it was that easy. (((hugs)))
I love that you have the courage and honesty to write all of this, and I think you would probably be shocked to see how many of the people around you feel just as lonely. I was just talking to a friend (who just graduated and moved away) and was so surprised to hear how lonely she was here when I assumed she was always surrounded by friends. I'll tell you more about it later. Maybe we could go on that hike sometime soon? P.S. Congrats on the new job. You will rock it. :)
Hi Leisa,
I am sorry that you were feeling so low...and then I am sure me not being able to see you when we were on our business trip did not help. I love you and am so happy that you are so happily married with adorable children. I hope you can understand why I was not able to commit to seeing you....it was really sad for me too. The week went too fast and I had to cherish every second I had with just Luke and I ....which were not many....I hope you know you mean a lot to me.
love you
kelli
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